Amid the current chaos that is Berkeley, something truly evil occurred—enough for UC Berkeley to mandate students stay on campus. Infinitely many pages of The Wall Street Journal had been discovered on school grounds.
“At 11:15 this morning, several pages from two, separate sections of today’s Wall Street Journal were discovered spread across a bench outside of Eshleman Hall in Lower Sproul Plaza,” UC Berkeley stressed in an announcement to the school’s entirety. They added that while the university’s authorities destroyed the pages, there might be more lurking on school property. “As of now, the perpetrator remains at large, so it is vital that you stay where you are until the ‘all clear’ is given. In the meantime, notify police immediately if you have any additional information at all regarding this incident.”
During a visit from the press, 50 Anti-Fa-esqu students (all veiled in black) reprimanded the bench with glass containers as they repetitively shouted, “No Nazis, No KKK, No Fascist USA!”